Sunday, March 29, 2009

Why #9: Sandwich "Artists"


Why do the people at Subway have such distorted views on what "a little of that" or "a lot of those" actually means?

As you can tell from the picture (taken at Run Like Hell 5k in 10/07) I LOVE me some mustard. But let me stress the "some", this is a condiment that requires serious portion control. Too much of the must and the finest; ballpark dog/movie theater softie pretzel/ 6 inch sub becomes inedible.

It seems the more you specify how MUCH of something you want the more or less of it you are going to receive. I told the sandwich "artist" at my local Subway that I would like a LOT of pickles. He generously gave me 3 tiny pickle sliced bits. What the what? Then I told him I wanted a leeeetle mustard. He poured (seriously it was gushing from the bottle) at least a quarter of a cup of yellow flavor over-empowerment on my now ruined sub.

Ask for what you want and... you won't get it? So how can we proceed? What is the best course of action for getting what you want? If what you want is an over-pickled, under-mustarded sandwich do you have to order no pickles and a flood of mustard? Is every day opposite day at the Subway station?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Why #8: Running Dysfunction


Why did I ever stop running?

After the Chicago marathon (awful heat, hours on the course, months of marathon training) I was wiped. I took off my Sauconys and was rarely motivated to put them back on. Now it is months later and I'm BACK! With very little nudging from Emily I entered a lottery for the Nike Women's Marathon in San Fran in October. Hoping against hope that we are selected to participate in the marathon, but even if we aren't it is still time to start getting serious about running.

With each huff and puff of a 3 mile run (when did this get so difficult?) I hate myself for being such a running slacker the last few months. But I also feel good about myself as I push through and especially when I finish a run. It is still early days, but I feel confident that me and running are going to get along just fine.

"It's a long shot and I say why not.
If I say forget it, I know that I'll regret it." -KC

Friday, March 20, 2009

Why #7: Betsey Breakdown


Why do bad things happen to beautiful purses?

I purchased this gorgeous gem on February 16. Immediately fell in love with this quilted black bag with gold bow adornments. The bag became my constant companion. Imagine my joy, when packing for Florida I realized this bag had it all, it was big enough to be both purse AND carry-on (ie. holder of my normal slew of purse necessities as well as 1 book (in case people watching gets boring), 1 magazine (for in-flight entertainment) and 1 snack (gummies are my go-to travel snack). Me and bag made it safely to Florida to bask in the sunny rays of Orlando. Normally I wouldn't consider carrying a black bag in Florida, but my love was so great, I could not be separated from bag. And on Day #2 the horror of horrors was discovered. Bag was very badly injured. The braided handle had come undone. So unsightly and so wrong.

MA* was by my side to talk me down from the ledge, but I felt panic rising. MA* wisely pointed out that any leathersmith (apparently these still exist) could fix the handle. But it was too late, it would be like the couple you KNOW is going to get divorced trying a couples counselor first. What we had together was broken. So with a heavy heart I contacted the Betsey Johnson customer support center. My hope against hope was that they would send me a new bag (one that had not broken, and broken my heart). But my fear was real, what if there is only one great love (bag) for all of us (and I happen to know I got the LAST bag available online). How could something that started with such promise, end after just a few weeks? And like an errant lover, the Betsey people emailed me back and told me to call them. Already giving me the run-around? So I called them, they told me they needed to speak with CORPORATE (perhaps Betsey herself?) before they could approve a return or exchange, and that they would call me back TODAY.

So tonight I wait by the phone, hoping to get a call, but deep down knowing that I broke the RULES... you should wait more than 3 weeks to take a new purse or a new boy on vacation with you.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Why #6: Cincinnati Concert Schedule


Why are no good concerts coming to Cincinnati this summer?

Is it because artists don't want to deal with Riverbend and all the mud, drunk teens, Roman statues (why Riverbend. why?) and occasional river stench?

Surely those things are par for the course at most concert venues (well probably not those weird statues).

But something must be up, even artists who have sold out shows for years aren't coming to Rbend this summer (please Kenny, come back to us!).

So it looks like the Bootscootin' Babes will have to pack up our mid-size sedans (oh how I wish I owned a pick-up) and travel to and fro to get our country music fix.

Hopefully next summer will bring us back to the mud, drunk teens, and Rome inspired decor of the Riverbend lawn.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Why #5: Wardrobe Malfunctions


Why do you never realize how fatally flawed your outfit is until you step out in public?

I've spent many a morning in my apartment, running around for 20,30, 40 minutes in an outfit that seems to fit well and look professional.

I walk to my car, I drive to work and the minute I exit my car in the parking lot I realize I've got a major wardrobe malfunction... the pants are too tight, the unders are creeping, the shirt is transparent (and I'm wearing a neon pink bra).

Why don't I notice these things BEFORE starting my 8 hour work day in a very public setting. There is no hiding behind an office door or remaining in my desk chair (to keep people from seeing the gaping hole in the back pocket of my khakis, oops!). I am up and about and underneath the brutal glow of fluorescent lighting all day. And the mistakes I unknowingly made when getting dressed in the comfort of my apartment are tragically on display for all to see. Hopefully next time I'll remember to look in the mirror before spending the day having people look at my vpl.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Why #4: Anonymous Blog Comments


Why do people post anonymous blog comments?

Show yourselves, reveal your identity, let me know who you are! I'm not saying that I don't appreciate you secretive readers and your comments, I'm just saying that the know-it-all in me needs to know it all, like who is reading and writing on my blog.

Please save me hours of wondering, "who wrote that" and say your name, say your name.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Why #3: The Karate Kid


Why is the Karate Kid being remade with Will Smith's son Jaden Smith as Daniel-san?

Is no movie sacred? Am I meant to accept the fact that I am so old the original version of something is no longer good enough for today's youth.

They've already "modernized" Strawberry Shortcake (a crime), they've re-created 90210 (I will admit I am a fan), but seriously when will this stop?

I am all about embracing the best of our past, but can't these things be embraced without changing them, or at least without the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air's son being involved?

"Yo, homes smell ya later!"

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Why #2: The Roots


Why are The Roots the new cover band on Jimmy Fallon's late night talk show? Am I so old that the band that once encouraged me to smoke is now encouraging me to stay awake past 1 in the morning?

Are there other generations out there screaming out because Kevin Eubanks (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno) and Paul Shaffer (Late Show with Dave Letterman) were once bong hitting muscial inspirations to the youth of their time?

Monday, March 2, 2009

Why #1: String Cheese


Why does the Sargento string cheese commercial show the girl BITING into the STRING cheese?

Isn't the entire point of string cheese the stringiness factor?

If I want a cheese cube, I'll get a cheese cube.

This makes me question the entire validity of the Sargento company and when I am standing in the store with a $$$6.00 bag of string cheese in my hand I will be sure NOT to give my dollars to "bite into me like a sausage link" Sargento.